Humour – Sam Russell

Farm and Family Life, Our Barn Conversion

Interior Design by Google #plainbarny

February 15, 2018February 16, 2018by Sam Russell4 Comments

Last week saw me deep in the trauma of a bathroom tile dilemma which resulted in my being blacklisted by more than one supplier for abuse of ‘order a sample by post‘. I’d already had a similar run-in with a certain manufacturer of engineered wood flooring.

Interior design by Google means a world of choice, literally at my fingertips, but it doesn’t make me an interior designer. So many choices and so many beautiful pictures of stunning interiors created by others but no one to tell me exactly what to do.

I have invented an acronym for the too much choice/not-enough-inherent-style syndrome I am presently suffering from:

FUCUP

(Fear of Uncool Copycat Utilising of Pinterest)

‘Order a sample’ seems to have become my knee-jerk reaction and I have sourced sufficient samples and swatches to decorate a modest bungalow, whilst not actually making any decisions at all.

Now I’m asking the world wide web which doors I should buy.

“Hey, WWW, which interior doors should I buy?”

… and I’m back on the cyber-cycle; surfing from Pinterest to Google with a swim across to Download our Brochure and a dip into Best Interior Design Blogs: ON-TREND IN 2018! (Velvet and variegated houseplants, in case you’re wondering.)

Is being on-trend a good thing? Will we be off-trend in 2019?

I only ask because this is costing us quite a lot of money and … Ah! Order a Sample. Yes. That must be progress.

Only oak is too oaky, ash is too yellow and ‘Scandi Horizontal’ is too on-trend. ‘Sand’ is grey (who knew?) and Maple is actually pink in real life. The Farmer won’t let me have plywood (the builders were so disturbed by that suggestion they couldn’t even dredge up a scathing comment).

Maybe I’ll just go white.

Now, should that be Pure Brilliant White, or White with a Hint of Pretentious?

Hey, I’ve got a paint visualiser app on my phone… I can point my camera anywhere and test a thousand different whites… Chiffon, Timeless, Clouded Pearl, Bleached Linen…

Hmmm, maybe. Order Tester Pot

Farm and Family Life, Our Barn Conversion

January Sales – Plain Barny

January 8, 2018by Sam Russell4 Comments

I love a bargain (don’t we all?) and I missed Black Friday and Cyber Monday (not by conscious, ethical decision. I was probably busy… or forgot what day of the week it was.)

All the more reason to hit the new year sales hard. But where do you even begin to start when you need ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD for a brand, spanking-new house?

Aha, I thought, I’ll start with a plan! So I did extensive research, making a list (and checking it twice). I trawled through a hundred reviews of integrated appliances, range cookers, tumble driers… (there are three different types of tumble drier. Who knew?) and, somewhat boggle-eyed, I finally achieved my whittled down selection of wise buys.

Damn it, not one of them was on sale.

Strike one.

Undaunted, and re-invigorated by Victorian Plumbing’s dynamic advert, I surfed on over to their site to check out the bath tub and taps I’ve been coveting for months (whilst watching the price and waiting for that special deal). Now VP are promising me A WHACKING 70% OFF! Yipee!

Alas and alack (and rather contrarily in my view) said bath, which has been discounted by 5-10% the entire time I’ve been watching, has returned to full price for the sale. Ditto my shiny, wall mounted taps and shower.

Strike two.

Right, I thought, you’re going about this in an arse upwards manner. What you should do is hunt out the bargains and then buy what you need…

… pink furry boots, jeans and a nightshirt, apparently.

Oh bugger. Strike three.

I may not have been looking in quite the right departments 🙂

p.s. Not much has happened over the Christmas break, but the plasterer made a start…

Look – a proper room!

Happy new year to you all.

Farm and Family Life, Inspiration, Our Barn Conversion

Building the dream ~ solid foundations and sewage pipes

May 26, 2017August 4, 2017by Sam RussellLeave a Comment

“They built them to last back then.”

Our sturdy little barn got the thumbs up from building control for her rather impressive foundations. She’s planted in the ground to a depth which exceeded our building regulation requirements, and that’s saved us a heap of time and money (not to mention the backs of our building team who would still be shovelling earth from beneath her walls, or laid up in traction somewhere if she hadn’t been “built to last”.

Clever little chaff barn, I grow fonder of her by the day.

As it is, things have raced on apace and that’s caught me on the hop. You see, I might have decided where those wind chimes are going but I hadn’t placed the bogs and sinks with any final-decision conviction. They’ve been tested on every wall in my 3D simulation (those walls are still moving at whim) and I’ve looked at lots of pictures… but now, suddenly, my water and waste pipes must be positioned in actual real life.

I was advised that, in an ideal world, the pipes should emerge in the vicinity of my sanitary fixtures. Funny, the things you don’t think of. Or I could make a feature of the plumbing, of course, and run drains through every room.

Hmm, maybe not…

It’s dawned on me that the builders and I are viewing the building plans from slightly different perspectives. They think what’s ruled on the paper is what they’re meant to be building. I see the drawings as more of a, erm, serving suggestion.

There has been muttering in the ranks. Something along the lines of “if we build it fast enough she won’t be able to change anything…”

Now the buggers want to know where the entrance doors are going. I caught them trying to chop the brickwork out while I wasn’t looking…

So I sent The Farmer down with my changes, and let him take the flak.

This week I’m thanking my lucky stars for solid foundations and very forgiving builders.

Inspiration, Rustic Guests

Rustic Guest – Lorna Sixsmith

May 19, 2017May 19, 2017by Sam RussellLeave a Comment

I’m delighted to have Lorna Sixsmith as a guest in my Farmhouse Kitchen this week and, as we both married farmers, I think we’ll find plenty to talk about.

Lorna lives and farms in Ireland and she’s published three books about her farming life: Would you Marry a Farmer? How to be a Perfect Farm Wife and An Ideal Farm Husband (hmm, I really must get that last one for the other half.)

The kettle’s just boiled, so I’ll hand you over to Lorna, and she’ll tell you about the ‘hoppity dance’…

I think farmers and writers are quite similar really. People in both careers tend to like spending time alone, enjoying the peace and quiet, are resilient and often have a dog as their best friend. Therefore, being a farmer and a writer means that all of the above applies to me – doublefold!
Brian and I returned to dairy farming in Ireland in 2002 after spending 12 years in England, most of which was spent living and working in Salisbury: Brian as a scientist and I as a teacher. I’m not sure if it was the time spent away from farming that helps me to see the humour but it’s certainly the “if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry” moments that inspire stories for my books.
Just like how you, Sam, gain inspiration from your surroundings for your rustic romance books, I do the same but my books are nonfiction, with a tongue-in-cheek look at what life is like on the farm complete with tips on how to survive it. Wives will discover “how to wear an apron and wellies with flair” and men will find out how best to introduce a new girlfriend to the farm and how to ensure his mother will approve. They are best described, I suppose, as useful tips with plenty of tongue-in-cheek humour.
My first book was inspired by a session of sorting Friesian calves into two batches: males and females. I was standing in the gateway with the job of turning back any male calves and letting female calves through while Brian tried to send female calves my way. It was impossible for me to see between their legs to tell the sex so I was reliant on vague instructions like “The BLACK ONE – quick, the BLACK one”. Now, did that mean that I was to stop the black one or let it through? All three of the calves coming towards me were black and white. I couldn’t tell that the one he meant was slightly blacker on the other side, the side that my beloved could see. My limbs ended up doing an involuntary “hoppity dance”.My body didn’t know whether to stay in the gateway, run after the “wrong one” that had got through or try to skulk off.
That evening I wrote a blog post entitled “Advice to those considering marrying a farmer ” and within a relatively short time, it had 60,000 views which inspired the idea for a book. But would people read it? They were interested in my blog post but would they pay for a book? The only way to find out was to run a crowdfunding campaign asking people to pre-order. It was successful and within another three months Would You Marry A Farmer? was published. That was November 2013.
Two more books followed: In How to be a Perfect Farm Wife I give others the benefit of learning from my mistakes and also share tips on how to CHEAT and convince others you’re perfect. An Ideal Farm Husband shows him how to cope when he discovers his new wife isn’t telepathic, amongst many other things.
Farming is one of those occupations where things don’t always go to plan. Yes, we have the “if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry” moments more often than we care to admit. If I can help even one person to have a better day, it’s great news to me. One of the best compliments I’ve received was from a farmer saying my books were the best money he ever spent. His wife was city born and bred. Whenever he made any of the “mistakes” outlined in my book, she knew it was typical farmer behaviour. Rather than arguing, they both laughed!

If you want to hear more from Lorna visit her blog the Irish Farmerette or find her on Facebook and Twitter.

And if you are actually thinking of marrying a farmer I suggest that you read these first!